I don’t know what this will end up being. I feel like Cady, from Mean Girls, whose body is anxiously awaiting the release of word vomit. For the first time, in my adult life, I don’t have any words. I don’t know how to articulate what I’m feeling, what I’m fearing, and above all, what my mental state is. I’ve found myself in a routine that I wouldn't dare wish on any of my enemies, should I even have them.
For better or worse, the 1998 Adam Sandler comedy, The Wedding Singer, has become a strange comfort film as of recently. That’s not to say that I didn’t like it prior to me writing this - on the contrary it has always been my favorite Sandler comedy - it’s just one of those movies that spends most of its time out of my consciousness until brought up by someone else. There is a moment in that movie when Sandler’s character addresses Barrymore’s character and tells her that he always wanted to be a songwriter, that he really wanted to write something that would resonate with someone listening and they would say “I know what that guy was going through when he wrote that.”
Property of New Line Cinema
I can’t speak to the situations that inspired the 2011 album, “Give Me Rest” by Hands, a band that most of you probably haven’t heard of unless you made your rounds in the Christian hardcore scene back in the day when Christ-core was popularized. The album chronicles a man pleading with the Lord to spare him the situation at hand and to just give him rest. The album operates like a heavy metal take on the book of Psalms. Both that album and said book of Psalms have been an underlining through line as of recently in my own personal journey.
I’m writing this right now from my wife’s bedside in the hospital. It is a stressful environment that has conditioned me to seriously and sincerely take it day by day. This is a practice that up until this point I have not practiced in any way, shape, or form. I’m a big picture guy. I like to plan my weeks, hours, and months accordingly. We plan our schedule out for Abyss Gazing far in advance. As of 2025, we had even planned out the first half of this year. This was the first year I was booking things for November of this year at the start of January. I’m sure by now you get the picture.
Recently, Abyss Gazing covered the 1995 religious horror film, The Prophecy. In the episode, I shared my most recent struggles with faith. Questions had surfaced that I had never had prior and I felt for the first time I was unsure about what comes next. Where there once existed peace now just felt like empty abandonment. Maybe it comes down to the people who claim to come in the name of Jesus rather than the actual Jesus. That, perhaps, is a conversation for another time. I’m mostly sharing for the context of my own mental space. I believe that conversations around mental health, if you’re comfortable with it, should be vulnerable.
Property of Facedown Records
That routine I discussed earlier though. I've been spending my mornings pleading with God as to why this situation has happened and repeatedly asking what I could have done differently as her husband. I've spent them reading through the various chapters of Psalms, finding an unfortunate kinship with David. “I am worn out from my groaning” he declares in the book’s sixth chapter. He describes his eyes weak from sorrow. How am I not supposed to identify and align with such deep concepts that once baffled me?
The other end of that routine is listening through the previously mentioned “Give Me Rest” album during my morning shower and daily commute to this hell hole. I have found another kinship with vocalist and lyricist Shane Ochsner and his brutal plea that both begs God for rest and feels like a note to himself to be still and know that God is God, another callback to the Psalms through the 10th verse of the 46th chapter. From the raw call of the snare and the emotional turmoil you can hear in his voice: “I feel sick at how jaded I’ve become”, he shouts in the first bit of the song before the full band joins him.
Wrestling has never been a sport that has interested me but I feel like I've been stuck in the most punishing match you've ever heard of. These mornings feel like courtroom cases with me pleading with the Lord. What could I have done differently? Do I need to repent of something? Is there something that needs to change? Was I not attentive enough to my wife or her sick state? As we discussed in our Life After Beth broadcast, if we rely on those last moments instead of the happy life prior it will eat us alive. I can feel the zombie bites and the wind that blows on the parts of me that used to be whole.
All throughout the album, layered over top of the experimental orchestration are pleas for rest. Ochsner ends the first track on the album, “I Will”, with “rest my soul in you alone.” Throughout the album’s 53 minute duration this is a common theme that almost feels like a tattoo that Ochsner has given these ten tracks. “Be still my brother, be still so we may hear His voice” from Water, the album’s next track.
“The Helix” is perhaps the song that has resonated most in this chaotic journey of ups and downs. “I believe Your hands hold the sun but in the deepest of my mind, I question everything You've done.” or “I believe Your breath fills my lungs but it's a thought that's hard to swallow. I feel ashamed I can't hold on; give me rest.” If I could explain my wrestling in faith, these two verses sum it up perfectly. Truth is I don’t know why I stayed or why I didn’t walk away from my faith. I was definitely close to it. Certainly this experience is not helping that crisis. Yet, I am reminded of a friend who once told me he treated his prayers like a lawyer approaching a judge and jury. He held God accountable to what His word says. Quite honestly that’s not something that I have done in a long time.
Allow the guilt to settle. Could I have done something differently throughout this ordeal in my faith? The answer is no. We don’t quite understand why God allows things to happen the way they do. I don’t have a reason for why there is misery in this world or why I am in the thick of it. I am left with this sense of desperation that I haven’t known before. I feel like Job; a man who had everything taken from him simply to see whether or not he would curse God. There is a turning point in the story of Job that few talk about when bringing up his story. He stood before God, found a deeper appreciation and adoration for Him and eventually had everything restored to Him and then some. Everyone around Him told him to curse the Lord. Yet, for as easy as that would be, there is a sense that the ramifications, should you believe them, would somehow be worse than present circumstances.
I guess I’m writing this more for myself than anyone else. I’m in need of a way to expel what I’m currently experiencing. The truth of the matter is: I’m overwhelmed with the questions, “do you need anything” or “how are you feeling?” I don’t know how to answer either one of those. My emotions shift more than the tone of the Tommy Wieseau cult classic, The Room. Much like Job, who refused to actually curse God, I feel like God is the only thing I continue to rest in, despite the struggle to find a peace that transcends my own understanding as Philippians describes.
Property of New Line Cinema
“I curse within my heart, but sing a holy song. I am a wolf among the sheep.” Ochsner sings over an aggressive guitar line in the track titled “2005”. Yet another reminder of my mental struggle this past year. I’m not trying to sound preachy, or maybe by this point you’ve already tuned me out and stopped reading. That’s the thing about grace. It’s not dependent on what I have done or will do but what He has done. Later in “2005”, the lyrics ring out in the bridge - “By Your blood I am alive. By Your grace I am released.” I know and understand that peace looks different for everyone. But this is where I am trying to rest, trying to find my hope and peace, yet I’m open with the idea that I am still angry, fearful, and terrified with every passing hour.
There is a story within the book of Mark where Jesus heals a boy who is possessed by a demon. After a few questions, the father of the boy is pleading with Jesus to release his son from this state, much like how I’ve spent my mornings this past week. The father offers the phrase “if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” Jesus seems puzzled by this request and he answers that anything is possible for those who believe. The response of the boy’s father is what I will leave you with. “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief”
As the album draws to a close with its self-titled song, it is, once again, a plea for rest. I am worn out physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and every other way imaginable. I feel like my emotional state has decided to move in with this album, and I’m resonating with this father in Mark 9. There is something within me that knows that in the Lord, I will find peace, I will find rest; that this whole terrible situation will eventually be overcome. Much like Ochsner closing out the ballad, and ending of the album, “give me rest.” I need it.
If you or someone you know is reading this right now and struggling with suicide, depression, addiction, or self-harm - please reach out. Comment, message, or tweet at us. Go to victimsandvillains.net/hope for more resources. Call the suicide lifeline at 988. Text "HELP" to 741-741. There is hope & you DO have so much value and worth!
Victims and Villains is written (and produced) by Josh "Captain Nostalgia" Burkey and others, and edited by Cam Smith. Music by Mallory Johnson and others. We do not own nor claim any rights.
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