As someone who loves to discover new films, especially ones that don’t have the luxury of theatrical releases or limitless advertising budgets, I love this part-time gig of reviewing feature films. Sometimes, I’m lucky enough to experience a gem and I can’t wait to see it again with friends once it officially releases. Other times, sadly, I can’t wait to forget about the 96 minutes I wasted on a film. This is one of those times. 

Vanquish, formerly titled The Longest Night, felt like its former title. While 4-hour films like Zack Snyder’s Justice League feel like they have shorter runtimes than a 1.5hr ‘action’ film like Vanquish, you know there’s something wrong. The premise certainly didn’t feel like it required a bloated runtime. Academy Award Winner Morgan Freeman plays a retired police commissioner who’s as dirty as they come. He may no longer be on the force, but he has his hands in all the pockets and purses of the criminal outfits across the city. He has his own little merry band of dirty cops running operations for him while he spends his days in an electric wheelchair roaming the halls of a gigantic mansion. 

For some reason, he shares his outrageously large home with a woman, played by Ruby Rose, and her daughter. We get the gist that she used to be about that crime life, but now she just spends Freeman’s money and takes care of her little girl. Something confusing goes down in Freeman’s operations, and suddenly he feels the need to cash out. He doesn’t trust his dirty cops, big surprise, so he turns to Ruby. He promises to set her up for life, if she’ll only run a few money errands for him overnight. When she refuses, he kidnaps her daughter (clearly just taking her into another room in his house) and refuses to release her back to Ruby until the job is done. This initiates a long night of jobs that get more redundant and boring as the film progresses. 

I’m a fan of both of these main actors. Obviously, Morgan Freeman has an astounding career that makes me interested in any project he’s involved in. Ruby Rose has certainly been nothing but intriguing ever since she came on the scene around 2007. Whether it was her music aspirations, her tattoos, her courageous hairstyles, or her promising badass acting career, Ruby has always been presented as the wildcard. If she’s involved in a project, I have hope that it will at least be interesting. Pair her up with a legend like Morgan Freeman, and I would think that the two would be able to breathe some life into even the dullest of materials. 

I say all this because when I first watched the trailer, I couldn’t help but think that the film looked cheap, generic, and bad. It felt like a rejected made-for-tv film from the 90’s, with the sets, camera angles to match. Despite the red flags presented in the trailer, I convinced myself that these two actors would likely rise above the darkness and at least keep me entertained. I figured Freeman would bring his typical charm, his intelligence, his commanding presence to his role. I figured Ruby would match that charm, bring some of her typical fun action choreography, and keep the film moving. 

Instead of meeting the bare minimum definition of the word ‘entertainment,’ this film felt like it was a test of my will to keep watching. Once Freeman lays out the plan for Ruby to go pick up his money, he gives her a motorcycle and equips her with a helmet with a camera on it and a body cam. This way, he and we can experience what it’s like to speed down the night streets of the city, dodging cars and bullets, as Ruby attempts to complete her tasks and stay alive. Whatever tension the film meant for these scenes to have however was dead on arrival when I could clearly see her speedometer never rose above 20 miles per hour. On top of that, each of these bike scenes came with complimentary montage footage of the exact scenes that I had just watched. In the first half hour of the film, I witnessed two montages of Freeman saying the same lines he had just spoken, while Ruby slowly rode her motorcycle around town. 

Whenever she wasn’t on a bike, Ruby was surrounded by the dullest of characters who were clearly meant to be interesting, but just came off like a bunch of randos. The action was filmed so poorly, with weird cuts, and jarring transitions, that I developed a headache; not from Ruby’s punches, but from rolling my eyes so many times. 

By the time the film found its ending, I couldn’t care less about any of the characters on screen. The film’s attempt at world building, at teasing different layers and pasts of our main characters, felt like the most generic one-dimensional storytelling I have ever seen. I would say that the screenplay for this film was stolen from a trash can of a room full of second graders, but that wouldn’t be fair. I remember much better stories being told by my fellow second grade classmates. 

At the end of the day, the thing that broke me the most, like a punch to the gut, was the fact that this film was written and directed by George Gallo. Yes, the same George Gallo who wrote classic films like Midnight Run, The Whole Ten Yards, and Bad Boys. Somehow, with that resume, and over 50 other credits to his name, this creative talent, along with equally talented Morgan Freeman and Ruby Rose, churned out one of the most boring, basic, half-baked films I’ve ever watched. I’m more baffled than anything else by why any of those three individuals would have worked on this project. Seriously, if you see this at the bottom of the dollar DVD bin at the store someday, do the world a favor and take it to the nearest trash can you can find.

RORSHACH REVIEW:

Mental Health Moment: What can I say about this film in terms of mental health? For one, you can definitely preserve your mental health by not watching this film. Lol. Though the characters in the film are pretty shallow in terms of depth and development, there is a theme of running from your past. While Hollywood might try to convince you that enough money, enough distance, enough time will erase your demons… that rarely tends to be the case. Even the smallest of things from your past have the tendency to find ways to creep back up on you, unexpectedly, and seemingly rock your world. You can shove all your trash, all your dirty clothes, all the unsightly pieces of yourself into a closet, or sweep them under the couch, but eventually, you’re going to have to clean all that shit up. The longer you put it off, the more of a mess you’ll have to deal with later. So, do yourself and the world a favor, and face your demons now, so you can move on and live your life tomorrow.

If you or someone you know is reading this right now and struggling with suicide, depression, addiction, or self-harm - please reach out. Comment, message, or tweet at us. Go to victimsandvillains.net/hope for more resources. Call the suicide lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Text "HELP" to 741-741. There is hope & you DO have so much value and worth!

Victims and Villains is written (and produced) by Josh "Captain Nostalgia" Burkey and others, and edited by Cam Smith. Music by Mallory Johnson and others. Vanquish is property of Lionsgate Pictures. We do not own nor claim any rights.

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